And that's really saying something, considering that The Bachelor franchise specializes in casting the blandest people known to man--with one or two exceptions (usually of the douchebag or lush variety) every season. The Bachelor's themselves seem to be the worst offenders. I didn't call last season's Bachelor 'Tofu Jake' for no reason; that guy has no personality of his own.
So, this season, the requisite quirky guy seems to be Frank, who gave up his high-profile job to live with his parents and try his hand at screenwriting. He was the first to meet Ali out of the limo, by jumping through the sunroof (only ot be outdone by the guy who did a back flip off the roof of the limo later...which really begs the question: when did guys get so bouncy? Is this a quality Ali is looking for? Does jumping reflect some kind of alpha male qualities I'm not aware of?), and he was the first ot get a one on one date. Ali likes him, because he's "completely not normal" and that works because, according to her, she's not normal either. Is it just me or are these people beyond normal? Even when they give up their social ambitions, they do it in a socially acceptable way. I think going Hollywood (via screenwriting or becoming a reality TV celebrity) is about as traditionally American as you can get. Am I missing something? Anyway, they revel in eachothers perceived quirkiness and Frank, of course, gets a rose.
A side note: Shortly into their date, the classic car they are driving breaks down. This is perhaps the most realisitc thing I've ever seen on a reality show. As someone who owned a classic car, I know such cars do more sitting (and the owners more pushing--damn all that steel!) than driving. Strangely, the car comes back to life after their hike to the Hollywood sign, so it appears that having a classic car is only convenient if you have a production crew following you around.
Next, there is a bit of male drama. Chest thumping and zingers like, "You're a young punk" and "Shut up" ensue. I'm going to guess that neither intelligence nor quick with were high on Ali's list of desirable characteristics. If so, this is going to be a disappointing season for her, but it might be entertaining for us.
Next, a date with 12 guys. They do a photo shoot for a calendar where they are forced to don "banana hammocks", which according to one potential suitor "feels nice." Many beers get passed around and the degree of homoeroticism escalates rapidly. men tell each other they have great legs and asses and simultaneously worry about "100% chance that their junk will show." Finally, Ali jumps into the shoot, which I actually find a little disappointing. I was thinking we might have the first same sex hookup of The Bachelor franchise. Maybe there's still hope?
Everybody professes to like Ali--the girl they've now spent a total of 3 minutes alone with--and trash Craig M, whose hair puts most other mens to shame. But, the weatherman, pulls Ali aside and spend all of his one on one time telling her that Craig is dangerous person who just wants to fight. Really? An Canadian with a bouffant? In a pink shirt? Danger is not the word I would choose. Basically, all the camera time is focused on boys bickering, so it's difficult to tell who Ali liked or if she had chemistry with any of these buffoons. Does she like bad boys? Boys who play guitars? Who
Finally, we find out who had some chemistry. Ali gives the rose to Ty, the guitar playing southerner. As one dejected suitor says, "What's up with the guitar players?" on this show.
The final one on one date goes to the Peculiar guy (really? You're from Peculiar, MO, and you think that works as a pickup line?). And, unfortunately, he seems to MO style, since he's rocking some--sorta, kinda--Myspace hair. Only it's really half-hearted Myspace hair, since the sides are simply combed on to the sides of his face, like comb-over sideburns. FAIL. They fly in a private jet to Vegas. Drive a Ferrari into town. And make the audience suffer comments like,"There's nothing like a hot lady in a hot car. And she handled it well. Huh." They change into bathing suits for an exclusive romp in the pool and he strategically flexes his generic tribal tattoos, hoping he can pull off the bad boy persona as well as the bouffant-sporting Canadian. I don't know about Ali, but my money is on the Candian. Next they eat oysters, which he thinks taste like shit except for the lemon, but since they're an aphrodisiac...well, let's not go there. Does Ali like him? After changing into evening wear, peculiar tatto boy declares his strategy. He's going to listen to her. He wants to find out more about her. Since he speaks in monosyllables, this might actually work.
Flash back to the house: Bad boy bouffant Canadian picks on the weatherman. Sad face.
Peculiar is, apparently, a town of 3000-ish. Ali, on the other hand, one-ups him. Where she grew up, there is no town! They chuckle. Now they exchange bland, cliche words about love and passion. His monosyllabic strategy works: he gets a rose! jesse opens champagne to celebrate (and slip in the not so subtle phallic opening of the bottle to show that he really, really likes her). They dance to a generic singer that only fans of Ellen will recognize. It looks a lot like my junior prom, includin semi-rhythmic swaying that passes for dancing.
Cut to men worrying about the rose ceremony. Ali makes an effort to spend some time with guys who didn't get a date. Lots of apologies ensue. They say 'wicked' a lot becasue they are from Massachusetts. Next guy. More apologies. Roberto and Ali clearly have chemistry, so not getting a date this week is unsuspenseful. He used to play pro ball, so they play catch. He catches her heart. Awwwwwwww....
Guys who already have roses whine.
Next, the mumbler tells her, "She looks absolutely imaginary." ????? Then Frank interrupts, which is kind of douche, according to the other, since he already has a rose and the mumbler didn't even get a date. Drama. But, Frank doesn't care because, "Ali is his girlfriend." A girlfriend who is dating 16 other guys, my friend. But, they kiss and it makes all the other guys insecure. Collective groan.
The Canadian and the weatherman snipe at each other in the confessional again. Then they have a face-to-face. Then the music gets ominous. Will they throw down? Luckily, Ali walks in just in time. The weatherman breathes a sigh of relief (have I mentioned that he's about 5'3"?). The pink-shirted Canadian broods. Actually, that description might not help, becasue there are a lot of pink shirts and a lot of Canadians this season. But, you get my drift: bad boy vs. pint-sized weatherman. After an entire episode of painting him as the bad guy, he gets a chance to defend himself. He's misunderstood. She asks him, "Do you like me?" He continues to look away and seem uncomfortable. She points out the lack of eye contact, the crossed legs, etc. She points out that he hasn't asked her about hersefl at all. Clearly, Craig M is gone. Buh-bye.
Craig, though wants to find out who said he was dangerous to Ali. He calls out the weatherman, who said it doesn't matter. Passive aggressive, anyone? Craig is not fooled. Words are exchange. They are not interesting, so i won't recount them here. But, when the weatherman says that Craig is 34 and should grow up, Craig M says he isn't 34. Strange, since his little name placard every time he speaks states very clearly that he's 34. Hm.
Ok. Finally. Ali looks at the picture of her suitors, trying desperately to remember each of their names. Frank, Ty, and Jesse all got roses. Three will be going home. It's the most dramatic rose ceremony ever!!!
The Mumbler gets the first rose. Followed by a bunch of others whose names I certainly can't remember. The music builds... What the hell happened to that guy's face? One of the suitors is sporting a shiner that didn't feature prominently in the episode. The weatherman gets the last rose, amidst very dramatic music. Craig M, guy with the shiner, and and some other guy who didn't get an exit interview.
Next week: Is Ali being lied to? Is there another Wes in the house? Stay tuned...
I don't know about dangerous (perhaps the weatherman doth protest a bit too much about that - he's the one who bragged about being a brown belt, after all), but Curtis M is obviously a huge jerk. With bad hair. I mean, seriously, he reminds me of The Wrath of Khan.
ReplyDeleteI hated the weatherman in the first episode, but now I like him because a) he ratted out Craig M and then pussed out when confronted, which is so lame it sends me into paroxysms of joy, and b) he looks like an evil Tom Cruise. Which I admit is sort of redundant, since Tom Cruise is evil himself.
I hope one of the one-on-ones next week goes to weatherman, to give him a chance to spend enough time with Ali that he is forced to talk about something other than how much he hates the other contestants. Honestly, I don't think he has much else up his sleeve. There are way manlier meteorologists out there - take Reed Timmer from Storm Chasers, who I personally would KILL to see on The Bachelorette. For the other, I am rooting for Chris L for two reasons. One, because I used to live on Cape Cod, and two, because in the first episode he deliberately implied his parents were still together when in fact his mother is dead, and he has still not told Ali the truth. It would definitely come out on a one-on-one and I think Ali will be entertaining while livid because she's basically a human kitten.