Wife Swap: The grass may not be greener, but it’s a hell of a lot crazier

Oh, Wifeswap. What more can I say?

I blame Lifetime Television reruns for the wasted hour of my life known as Wifeswap. Although I think the show is meant to leave the viewer thinking, “Wow, maybe the key to life is balance. The rock and roll family and the religious zealots seemed to teach each other such valuable life lessons!” , I usually end up thinking, “Where the hell did they find these people?!”

This show claims to represent two American families who trade wives in an attempt to see how others live. In reality, these two American families are caricatures of their own stereotypes, and they could not be more polar opposites of each other! What typical American family raises their children in an isolated area in the woods, dressed in pioneer garb, all the while practicing their rifle-shooting skills? And have you ever heard of parents making their ten-year-old daughters clock in, with an actual punch card, for dance practice? I certainly have yet to meet these families. But then again, I haven’t met many housewives who scrub their baseboards with a toothbrush on a daily basis. So, apparently, I’m out of the loop.

Wifeswap never fails to partner families that have absolutely, positively, nothing in common. In fact, the core values of each family completely and utterly contradict those of the other. On my most recent lazy afternoon, I flipped to Lifetime just in time to see Brown/Holland episode. And let me tell you, Wifeswap succeeded in its pairing of drama-inducing personalities!

Joy Brown comes from a family where appearance, fashion, and health is everything. She runs a “tight ship” so to speak, and control and respect are instilled in her children’s every move. Joy and her husband run a fitness boot camp that meets four times per day, rain or shine. Here are some of the red flags concerning the Browns:

• Joy and her children refer to Mr. Brown as “Sarge”. There is no “dad”, “papa”, “daddy-o” or otherwise endearing names used when six-year-old Loren speaks to her father.

•Sarge has a whistle permanently installed in his mouth, and uses it whenever possible. God forbid son Sevin should fail to brush his teeth for a full 60 seconds.

• Sarge has replaced his family’s meals with raw vegetables and vitamin supplements.

• Sevin, Joy’s eight-year-old son, told camera crews that if he eats any unhealthy foods he has recurring nightmares in which he is chased by vegetables. Enough said.

So what could possibly create an entertaining swap for the Brown family? How about a

household run by seven-year-old “King Curtis” and his freakishly overwhelming love of chicken nuggets? If that doesn’t sound convincing enough, how about making the family’s sole source of income stem from Demolition Derbies? Ok, just in case you weren’t sure if drama would ensue, refer to the following quote from the man of the house:

“Maybe we would be willing to try some salad… if we could find a way to deep fry it!”

Meet the Holland family.

The Hollands, a southern, fried-food-loving, junk-collecting, demolition derby-loving family run by King Curtis, are the Ying to the Brown's Yang. Their laid-back, hands-off parenting style leaves their household with little order and a serious lack of respect. Each of their children is skilled at stripping cars and removing tires and bumpers, all in the name of the family business of demolition. As Mr. Holland put it, “We are fat, poor, and happy!”

After introducing the families and setting the stage for an upcoming series of motherly meltdowns, the wives switch places. This is when the fun really begins!

Each episode shows the multiple outbursts by families and their new wives. My all-time favorite meltdown occurred when Joy threw away all of the Holland family’s junk food. When she threw out King Curtis’s bacon, all hell broke loose.

The show ends with a quick summary of what was learned as the couples meet face to face and discuss their experiences. This touching moment is followed by a sigh of relief from Wifeswap audiences everywhere. The drama is over for now, and we can all feel a little bit better about our own families. I, for one, will think twice about calling my family crazy after witnessing the trainwreck between the swapping families.

Way to go Wifeswap, you might not have put the “fun” back into dysfunctional, but you definitely made my family look very, very normal. And trust me, that is quite the accomplishment.