From Tiaras to The Hills

Let me start be saying that I was literally horrified when I walked into my living room and found my roommate watching Toddlers and Tiaras. Never seen it? Neither had I, at least not until my roommate refused to hand over the remote and I realized that I was trapped inside due to an out of season hail storm. Just my luck. And yet, had I not been forced to observe the train wreck that is Toddlers and Tiaras, I would have never realized the strange link between these freakishly made-up children and our modern day obsession with shows like The Hills.

Toddlers and Tiaras follows different families through the process of entering and competing in child beauty pageants. Seems unnecessary, but innocent enough, right? Wrong. Completely, insanely, and unequivocally wrong. Let me explain. Take one bored, starry-eyed, mother with too much free time on her hands and add one spray- tanned four-year-old with full makeup, fake eyelashes, a wig, and an insanely overpriced and barely existent bikini. Throw in a little glitter and a creepily old male judge and, there you have it people, the train wreck begins.

Lets not forget the series of moral fiber-enhancing lessons that the mothers bombard their toddlers with. Clearly, it’s never too soon to teach your daughter that she will never be good enough. I’m pretty sure that the Pagent Mom Code of Ethics (oxymoron, I know) would look something like this:

1. The only thing that has ever, and will ever, matter is being beautiful. This cannot be accomplished without fake tans, fake hair, fake nails, and 10lbs of makeup. And don’t you dare forget to sport your $4,000 pink tutu.

2. There is no such thing as “a great effort”, a “nice try”, or “honorable mention”. If you don’t win first place, you have failed. Epically and miserably failed.

3. Uniqueness=imperfections. Imperfections must be eliminated. And replaced with a truckload of glitter.

And let me just tell you, these little girls are the product of this Code of Ethics in every way possible. On this particular show, we had the pleasure of watching contestant number one, a four-year-old disguised as some sort of Austin Powers “Fembot” meets Barbie meets Girls Gone Wild, as she ranted about the bounciness of her curls and the fact that her spray tan wasn’t quite dark enough. She demanded that her pageant coach bring her candy while refusing to speak to her mother. Such a pleasant little girl, I must say.

So, how how does this connect to some of our current reality shows? Well, I’m sure you are aware of MTV’s current form of torture, otherwise known as The Hills. A group of twenty-somethings that spend their time tanning, drinking, shopping, creating over the top drama, always with each hair perfectly in place and each outfit perfectly styled. And don’t forget the makeup. Lots of makeup. And if that’s not working, hey, plastic surgery is your new best friend!

Anyone having deja vu?

So was I.

I always wondered how we went from Sesame Street to The Hills. How did innocent and typically sweet kids go from watching Sesame Street, playing hide and seek, making mud pies (or was that just my family?), and riding bicycles grow up and turn into the makings for MTV’s The Hills? When did a scraped knee from a bike crash stop being a badge of honor and become an imperfection instead? Well, I have solved the mystery and it can be summed up in three words: Toddlers and Tiaras. This, my friends, is the stepping stone between Sesame Street and The Hills. Lets stop the beauty pageants and start a game of dodge ball. Maybe then we can reform the generation inspired by The Hills and create some functional members of society. Until then, try to avoid the train wreck.